Making amends in recovery can be one of the most powerful—and emotionally complex—parts of the 12-Step journey. Step 9, which asks us to make direct amends wherever possible, often brings up fear, shame, and even resentment. What if the person hurt you too? What if they don’t want to hear from you? What if you’re not sure what amends really looks like?

This quick guide is here to help you approach Step 9 with honesty, humility, and self-compassion. Making amends in recovery is not a one-size-fits-all process. It requires emotional honesty, spiritual willingness, and practical tools.

What Is Step 9?

Step 9 of AA reads:

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

It’s not just about saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about taking full responsibility for your part in the harm caused—while also being mindful not to reopen wounds for the sake of easing your own guilt.

What Does Making Amends in Recovery Actually Mean?

Amends go beyond apologies. They involve:

• Acknowledging the harm caused by your behavior
• Accepting accountability without excuses
• Offering repair where appropriate (emotional, financial, relational)
• Letting go of the outcome

You’re not there to defend yourself, get forgiveness, or explain why you did what you did. You’re there to own your part.

How to Write an Amends Letter

Whether your amends will be made in person or from a distance, writing it out beforehand is key. Reading a prepared letter helps you stay focused, avoid emotional spirals, and speak with clarity and intention.

Your amends letter should include:

1. What you did to cause harm
2. How your actions may have hurt them emotionally, mentally, or physically
3. How you plan to change your behavior moving forward

Example Opening:

Dear [Friend or Family Member],
Making amends is part of my recovery journey, and I’m grateful you’re willing to listen. When I was in the midst of my addiction, I hurt you in the following ways:
– [List specific harms]

By doing so, I caused you pain and damaged your trust. In the future, I am committed to showing up differently—through honesty, consistency, and respect. I want to rebuild trust, not just ask for it.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be honest.

What If They Hurt You Too?

This is where Step 9 gets tricky. What do you do when you’re making amends to someone who also owes you an apology?

Here’s the truth: Step 9 is about your side of the street. Even if the other person caused harm, your task is to focus only on your part. That might mean:

• Admitting where you contributed to the dysfunction
• Acknowledging your behavior without expecting anything in return
• Letting go of resentment that’s tied to your expectations of their response

This doesn’t mean you excuse what they did. It means you free yourself from needing them to make it right in order to move forward.

When They Don’t Forgive You

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the person you’re trying to make amends to won’t accept it. They might be angry, distant, or unwilling to engage.

That doesn’t mean your amends “didn’t work.”

In fact, letting go of the outcome is part of the emotional maturity that Step 9 helps develop. You’ve done your part. You’ve shown up with integrity. That matters.

What If It’s Not Safe to Make Amends?

There are situations where making direct amends could cause more harm—to you, to the other person, or to others involved. Step 9 makes space for that:

“…except when to do so would injure them or others.”

If it’s unsafe or emotionally destabilizing to contact someone, you can:

• Write an unsent letter to process the amends
• Talk through it with a sponsor or therapist
• Make living amends by changing your behavior in the present

Making Amends to Someone Who Has Passed Away

One of the most painful realities in recovery is realizing you owe amends to someone who is no longer here.

While you can’t speak to them directly, you can still make amends in ways that honor their memory and help you heal:

• Write a letter expressing what you would have said
• Take it to their gravesite or read it aloud in a private, meaningful place
• Make living amends by treating the people in your life with more kindness, honesty, and presence

Making amends to someone who has passed is about restoring integrity within yourself.
Their forgiveness may be unknown—but your effort still matters.

Living Amends: What It Looks Like

Living amends mean showing up differently today than you did in the past. For example:

• If you stole money, you commit to financial honesty
• If you were emotionally unavailable, you work on presence and connection
• If you harmed yourself, you treat your body and spirit with care

Living amends are often the most meaningful kind, because they require sustained effort—not just a conversation.

Why Making Amends in Recovery Matters

Making amends can stir up old wounds, especially when the other person played a role in the pain. But by focusing on your part and letting go of expectations, you create space for peace, growth, and lasting recovery.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to do it willingly and honestly.

Millions of people have found peace through making amends in recovery, even when the road felt uncertain.

A Personal Note

This guide was built from the tools I was given when I worked my own Ninth Step in Narcotics Anonymous.

My sponsor gave me the format for the letters I needed to write. She helped me navigate the complexities of making amends to someone on my list who had passed away.

To prepare for amends where I felt I was also owed an apology, I prayed for my resentment to be lifted. I didn’t move forward until I had reached a place of forgiveness and acceptance—because amends made with bitterness still carry weight, and not the kind that heals.

Amends are for you. They help you heal. But once you find the willingness to make them, miracles you can’t even imagine may begin to unfold.

In one instance, I made what felt like a very awkward amends to an immediate family member. I left feeling empty and uncertain. What I didn’t know was that I had cracked open a door. I couldn’t see it or feel it at the time—but it was there.

Today, there is no awkwardness in that relationship. Just love.

So, is this step difficult? Yes. But it is worth it. And millions of people have walked this path before you and found relief, freedom, and long-term sobriety on the other side.

Ready to Start a New Life? Contact Us

If you or someone you love is struggling addiction, Breakthrough Recovery Outreach in Atlanta, GA, offers programs and services than can help. Please contact us today to begin your recovery journey.